Customer service is our top priority.  Recently WardriveKeith was manning our support center and received an email inquiry from Mykus regarding Wanker guitars.

Written by WardriveKeith
Friday, 24 July 2009

Wanker Guitar Co. is not a real guitar manufacturer.  It is a wholly-owned ficticious subsidiary of Six String Planet.

Thank you Mr. Mykus for inquiring about our Wankers! We'd like to take this opportunity to educate you on the Wanker because it truly is a special instrument. Quite frankly, we've found that customers who pay attention to our Wanker tips and focus on them, find their choice of Wanker provides for long lasting enjoyment at an expense that is easy to swallow.

Additionally, our latest Wanker features provide some especially stiff competition to even the big boys at Fender and Gibson. We hope you’ll agree with us, and think about your very own Wanker!

So let’s look at the Wanker and see which Wanker fits you best!

Wanker Junior:

The Wanker preferred by beginners and clergy everywhere! Both ¾ and full size this Wanker fulfills customer desire for either smooth and clean, or just a little fuzz. We’ve found beginner adults often secretly admire the Wanker Junior from afar and at first feel more comfortable researching this unit via the Wanker Junior Internet Websites. But once they take the bait and compliment a Wanker Junior with our special effects pedal, “The Pedal-Vile”, they find themselves virtually handcuffed because of this Wanker. Colors include Cherry Pop, Altar Boy White, and “How about a candy bar?” – Chocolate.

Glam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Wanker:

When you pull out this Wanker hear the Ooo’s and Ahh’s as they get a load of the sparkle of a Pearloid finished face. Whether thinking Hair, Speed, or Death this Wanker just keeps screaming through 'til the end. Hi-tech Korean Seymour Poontang pickups make hot licks on this Wanker explode in any venue. Special V-D base design places this Wanker comfortably between the legs but has your riffs burn like flaming balls of lightning. Specially designed unique cutaway allows you to really go down on the neck of your Wanker and nail those highs!

Cowboy Ride & Slide Wanker:

Sit down and place that sweet baby on your lap and you gotta go Cowboy! You’ll have your Wanker in just the right position to place your choice of tube on the Wanker neck and slide, slide, slide! From the head to the bottom of the neck this Wanker is designed for a fast action slide. Go ahead and stand up, flip this sweetie around, strap her on, reach around and with a little blues finger pick around the bottom hole, apply a more gentle stroke and you’ll hear your Wanker generate a low bluesy moan. Positioning is very important here because landing the slide in the wrong spot can really cause an unwanted buzz, so we’ve designed our FRET-LES Wanker to provide an easy slide surface for the more experienced Wanker performer.

Grunge Alternative Y-Series Wanker (G.A.Y-Series Wanker):

Not that there’s anything wrong with it but we’ve affectionately called this our G.A.Y-Series Wanker Guitar. We’ve heard from our customers looking for a Wanker that’s even more alternative, one that when it’s plugged in you can really hear a spank off the bottom end... and this is it! We’ve also paired this with our specially designed Bi-amped Transtube XU-All Grunge amp we call the Bi-Tranny XU-All. This amp goes both clean and dirty and is sometimes custom configured differently on the top and bottom end and has been really broken in and pounded hard for ultimate performance. We even brought in Danny Bonaduce to smack around the Tranny XU-All and really put it through the wringer... and it passed with flying colors!

Classic Acoustic F-Hole Wanker:

We’ve redesigned the F-hole for your Wanker to be adjustable. Yes that’s right, adjustable to fit your needs. A tighter F-hole provides increased resonance inside the F-hole providing a firm, deep penetrating sound that surrounds the audience. Open or loosen the F-hole adjustment and each thrust reverberates resonant frequencies that have your audience gasping for more! A classic archback completes the Wanker design and compliments the frequency you are getting from the F-hole.

Tommy Lee Signature Series Wanker:

I know, I know… he’s a drummer… but you just gotta see him using his Wanker! And we’ve got the video to prove it! As seen in our promotional video, it is a certainty that when Tommy is rockin’ Pamela with his Wanker you’ll be sure to wanna get your hands on your own Wanker and pound it too! A special fretboard with Pam Anderson silhouette inlays, floating B.O.A.T. bridge, and a tremolo that quivers like your steering a motorboat with your Wanker. With this Wanker you’ll party all night long and rise to every occasion. The top-of-the-line professional grade Wanker.

As you can see we take pride in our Wankers. We believe you will too. The belief is that we sell you on a Wanker. We don’t force our Wanker on anyone or try to drive a hard bargain. We won’t “Put you into a Wanker” -- We’ll put a Wanker into you! 

Sincerely,
Keef
Your Friendly Wanker Customer Service Agent

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦

Comments (4)

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HomicydalChaz said:

... Yes I'm a drummer...but I LOVE MY WANKER!!!! I've got a small but pwerful Wanker. It has a bit of a drooling problem from the head, but I still bang on it from time to time. The wife and her sister both love my Wanker! Thanks Keef.

July 24, 2009

Mitch said:

... hmmm...i have a rock in my hand and there's a hornets nest.....what should i do with this rock!!!!!...hehehehe the Wanker Lives....i can't wait to see who makes the first vid wearing their wanker proudly on their chest....lol...see...rock meets hornets's nest.....lol...funny as hell guys....

July 24, 2009

Cliff said:

... This is an amazing display of creativity, Keef. How do you do it? I couldn't come up with half of the funny-arsed stuff you wrote if my life depended on it, ya know? Incredible imagination, you have! Man how I laughed and laughed. This has got to be the funniest thing I've read in ages. I hope that, and encourage, you to write more for us. I'm sorry we had to sit on it for soooo long -- Mitch wouldn't us publish it until LNGS4 was released. It was all I could do NOT to publish it until last week.

July 31, 2009

Crash said:

... Good lord I was laughing so hard I cried. If wankers were real, I'd buy one. Alright that solidlfies it. You're the CMO (chief marketing manager).

July 31, 2009